“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12: 2-3
Change. Typically, this is a word I like. Actually, as an adrenaline junkie, I love this word. But in this season of my life I’m not really very fond of change. I’ve been through a lot of change in my life, sometimes its change I cannot control, but often I have some measure of control, even if that control is just my attitude. I have lots of practice with change, and in hindsight I see how God worked despite my lack of faith and attempts to affect the change in my own way. I think part of this less-than-enthusiastic embracing of change is weariness. I’m straight out tired, and weary of feeling weary.
Of course I see the positives in change. I understand the need for these changes. But it doesn’t make me like the change any more. I also feel a little frustrated with myself…I thought I had prepared for these changes. I know I will accept the changes, I don’t have a choice, but right at this moment I’m going to lean into my dislike of change and just cry.
One of my sons has recently graduated from college and will be moving across the country to begin his life as an adult. Another son recently enlisted in the military and will start his new career at the end of August. It’s all good. It’s all planned. It’s positive change. It’s change that should be because this is the course God set in motion with his plan and his design of human beings. But I don’t like it one bit.
Yet, I have learned that even the changes I don’t like are necessary. Positive and negative changes are all part of God’s plan to help me grow; and they help those who are part of my life grow if I allow it. I can’t control my adult-children, and I shouldn’t. The more I try to control the change, the less I allow God to weave their experiences and their hearts to be more dependent on Him. The One who is sovereign, the One who never changes. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
Isn’t it just like God? He creates a child in our womb, makes that child completely dependent on us, and in turn we are completely dependent on Him. Then he slowly but surely changes that child into an adult and allows the friction of adolescence to divide us and ultimately grow that child into an independent human being that must be completely dependent on God alone.
I am not the author of my children’s lives. I am only a caretaker for a short period of time. The changes I have experienced in my role as a Mom are designed to make this step of change a little easier, but I’m sure God, since He also created me, understands my hesitation to give up control, to release, to take joy in the change.
The more I am dependent on Him, the more I can lean into and embrace the change and take joy in knowing that the cycle continues, the more I can anticipate the exciting changes that God will be orchestrating in my adult-children’s lives, just as He planned it. I will continue to be there for them as a support and encourager. I will pray for them and with them in their own conflict with change. But with the help of the Holy Spirit I will not control them because they aren’t really mine. I gave them to Him long ago because He is their Heavenly Father and loves them more perfectly than I ever could.
Father, thank you that I can entrust the people that I love the most to You. Thank you for this heart that breaks knowing that they will struggle and hurt and make poor choices. Because ultimately the only thing that matters is that they choose You. I pray that You will use the changes in all of our lives to draw us closer and more dependent on You. Amen.