I’ve been in an interesting season of life lately. Those of you that have been part of the Titus II family for any length of time know that Tara and I embarked on writing a book together recently and I have been a regular writer for Titus II from the beginning. Even in the lowest parts of our family life when I sat down to write, words would pour onto the page. I would look back and read over things I had written and be amazed at the things God said through me.
Now, to be honest, I’ve missed my last two deadlines, if I hadn’t written this it’d be three. When I sit to write, my cursor seems to blink in time with the minutes that pass as I stare blankly at the screen and nothing comes. I don’t feel like God is far away or that He’s abandoned me, He’s just not giving me words like before. I read my Bible and trust that His word will not return void, as it states in Isaiah, but it’s not coming alive as it has before.
I love to journal. If you sat next to me during my devo time, you’d probably be annoyed at the amount of space I take up. I have a huge study Bible, a notebook and a pen at the ready. I write down everything, verses that jump out, commentary that speak to me or I want to remember to investigate further. It’s been a huge part of my time with God. Those pages lay as blank as the one I stare at before me. I don’t have answers, but I know better than to ask why?
Instead I ask God, “What are you trying to teach me?”
There must be a lesson to learn about trusting God when He seems silent. He’s not left. He’s the same today as the day before. I think about men of the Bible. Paul and Silas, as they waited those long days and nights in prison. Did they ever feel like God was silent? Elijah waiting for the faintest sound of rain to hit the earth. I think our humanness makes us prone to feeling this way from time to time. It’s not God that has moved, it’s me. I’m trying to re-evaluate changes I’ve made that could have set this lull in place. I’m still not fully sure of the answer, but one thing I do know – drawing closer to Jesus and spending more time with Him will only help.
The most I can do today is encourage those that might be in a similar season. This is when you decide like Joshua, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Keep reading, keep praying, don’t give into the lack of “feelings.” Just like loving people is a decision, not a feeling the same is true of our decision to follow Jesus.
There are days when I don’t “feel” like loving my family, but I’ve made the decision and commitment to do so. It’s no different with my relationship with Jesus. Even in the times when Bible doesn’t jump out at me like it used to, it doesn’t make it less true than before. I know on the other side of this I will write the lessons that God taught me through this time, I just have to trust in the midst of the waiting.